If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
