Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
do herpes really smell.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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