why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
