just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We had to coat check the pizza.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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