i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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