Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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