I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
