We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
