We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
