And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
