I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I touched a dick in church today
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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