You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
