I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
