I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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