i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
