Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
