Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
