she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
