Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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