id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
