At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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