Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
