I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
