i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
