Don't make out with my wife yet
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
