Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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