she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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