i already hear my dad disowning me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
