I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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