New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
