i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
