Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
