dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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