i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
