i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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