Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
