I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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