I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
