i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
