My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
