you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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