On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
