I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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