I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
