dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
