She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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