She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
