Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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