I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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