my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Drunk is not a location!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
